Unapologetically me

So I've started and restarted this article several times. I don't know why cause I haven't really struggled to write anything since I started this blog (thank God), but I feel like this needs to be said.

So it's gonna be one of those ones where I open up a bit more about the insecurities that I've struggled with.

If you've been paying attention you'll know that I used to struggle with insecurities because of my weight, my beauty and my intellect. It's actually quite jarring writing this down cause a lot of these insecurities were in my head. I never really said them out loud and even though it was obvious to some, I never said it. I think it would've been bearable if those were all my insecurities, but I was also insecure about my voice, my accent and my personality. The list is long to be honest.

It's funny because when I was a little girl I never once felt insecure. It never occurred to me that there was something not good or not perfect about me. There's this song that we used to sing called "standard living standard living", but really we used to sing "sandalili sandalili, sandalili sandalili etc." looool. Anyways, the song required us to say what we wanted to be or what we thought we were and every single time I sang that song with my friends, I called myself a princess.

Like I mentioned in my bio, my favourite colour is pink and growing up I really thought I was a fashion trendsetter lol. On my 10th birthday my parents bought me this really pretty pink dress, with pink heels, pink earrings and a pink necklace. I thought I was a star and I used to catwalk into church hahaha.

Thinking back, my confidence was actually a beautiful thing. My parents always told me that I was beautiful and I never doubted it. My mum would say "if any boy tells you you're beautiful, tell him you know and that your parents already told you." Lool my parents are actually so sweet guys, I'm really grateful for them.

Anyways, the first time that I ever felt a lack of confidence was when my parents had to cut my hair for boarding school. Omg guys!! I hated it, I think I even cried loool. I was in UK at the time and we were going to a party that night, so even though I was wearing a pink top and pink skirt (which usually made me feel confident), I didn't feel so confident. I saw the pictures recently and I actually looked really pretty, but I didn't think so at the time.

Anyways, the feeling passed and because I was now in the midst of students with the same hairstyle, it didn't faze me. So my second knock in confidence came when I finally returned to UK after boarding school. I came back with ashy legs, an "H" factor and an accent that I didn't think sounded nice. So cute, bubbly and loud me retreated.

The change in school and environment didn't help the retreat. Contrary to everyone's belief, I'm actually a really shy person. So when I went to Grays Convent (my secondary school) I met some really lovely friends, but I'd already retreated. While parts of my personality still seeped through, I was never my full excitable self. I had my head in novels the 2 years and a bit that I was there for lol. I just felt like people would laugh at my accent, or that they'd find me annoying or that I didn't have anything to contribute to the conversations.

That feeling followed me to college. In case you didn't know guys, I only ever went to a girls only secondary school, so by the time I got to sixth form I hadn't really spoken to any guy in six years. We used to have our Bishop's family visit during the summer holidays and that was the only period I spoke to guys my age and even then it wasn't often and it was only for 2 weeks in a year.

So when I got to sixth form I was so awkward. I'd started wearing baggy clothes to cover up my body because someone once said I had gained weight and I thought I was big (lol I really wasn't). I dug deeper into reading novels and I was mostly in the library or in the computer room upstairs listening to music and feeling sad for myself. I found talking to guys awkward cause I didn't really know how to talk to them and I felt unattractive, but still pretty in the face (such a silly thought).

Lool it looks like I'm giving you a history lesson on my life. Anyways, by the time I got to uni, I wasn't as awkward around guys, but I was still pretty bad at communicating with them. I remember a current friend of mine was nice to me when we first met and I thought he was moving to me hahaha. So I told him "my mum said I'm not allowed to date". He was so lost hahaha and I was so embarrassed lool.

Gosh what was I thinking haha? Anyways things started to change when I got involved in something I loved. I love singing guys, there's just something so nice about it, I enjoy singing, learning songs, practicing, listening etc.

I joined the choir in a local church around my uni and worshipping made me open up. I kept seeing the same faces and because I was so engrossed in singing and learning the songs, I forgot to be quiet, demure and shy. I was focussed on the songs and worship, which means I wasn't focussed on my awkwardness or my insecurities anymore.

The more I opened up, the happier I felt, the more comfortable I became. Don't get me wrong, I still battled with having confidence in my appearance and my body, but I had no doubts about my personality or whether I was worthy or wonderful enough to have friends who would love me for me. To have friends who embraced me as I was. The thing is the problem in secondary school and college wasn't that my friends wouldn't embrace me, the problem was that I was so focussed on the little negative things I'd heard from a few people and the negative thoughts in my mind that I didn't even give them a chance to fully know and eventually love me lol.

I sucked in the negativity and dispelled my confidence like it was nothing, just because of a few words from very few people and because of little differences that didn't really matter. Being in the choir and joining the fellowship distracted my mind from the negativity sucking me in and allowed me to open up and show the true me.

What's my point?

The point of this whole story is that ever since then, I've been on a journey to being unapologetically me. I know for a fact that I am worthy and that I am beautiful. There's no doubt in my mind that I am precious and a QUEEN. I can doubt whether people will value me the way I ought to be valued, or whether people will miss the jewel before them, but I won't doubt my worth, never again.

I'm returning to the mindset of little me who never questioned her beauty or worth. Don't get me wrong, I still have times where I get a little low in confidence, but then I remember that my worth isn't defined by anyone but God and me. If I tell myself that I'm not enough or great or worth it, I become exactly that. But when I tell myself that I am a full spec and that anyone who meets me gains, it becomes my reality.

You can't depend on society to determine who you are, if not you'll break. You'll never be your full self and that's a loss to both you and the people who would've gained from the full you. I'm now my full bubbly self, slightly loud, pretty hyper and happy. If you don't like it, then that's your business, if you don't think I'm all that, that's your business.

But within me I know. I know that I'm special, sweet, beautiful and a pleasure to be around, so I'll continue to be unapologetically me. No one can make you feel less than unless you allow them. Let the words of others bounce off you, let the demands of society bounce off you. Instead, focus on the blessing that you are and I promise you, even if some may not appreciate you, there are many people out there who will.

So if anybody calls you a weirdo, insults your accent, the way you speak, the way you walk, the way you talk, your hyperness, or your quietness, your looks or even your personality, simply walk away from them. You're not the issue. It's either you guys are not compatible, or they're just sour. Learn to walk away from situations and mindsets that hold you captive or that make you feel less than. If you can't walk away, focus on the things that excite you and that make you happy.

Guard your heart and your mind by filling it with good things, good feelings and good thoughts when life and words work to discourage you or bring down your confidence. Because at the end of the day, no one can fight that battle for you. You need to tell yourself that you are enough and you need to believe yourself. Speak to yourself over and over again with kind and encouraging words.

So if you want to be loud, be loud, if you want to be goofy, please be goofy, if you want to be demure, be demure and do it unapologetically. I'm not saying ignore common sense, I mean you can't go to a library and start shouting because you're naturally loud. There's a place for respect and consideration. But where your actions aren't hurting you or anyone else and you're just being yourself, please do so unapologetically. Be you!

If you're dependent on someone else's compliment to feel good about yourself or feel confident, you will never have peace. And if you allow someone eles's negative comments to affect your life, you'll remain sad. That's because people change and people have different opinions, so their words will take you on a rollercoaster of emotions that will eventually leave you in a mental crash.

Know this, you are beautiful, you are worthy and you are precious.

Once again, I love you and God loves you.

Esther xoxo