Confidence

So when I initially thought of starting this blog I wanted to write about my journey to confidence. Like I mentioned in my first post, confidence is something I've struggled with and that I still struggle with. It's a daily battle for me actually and I'm still growing.

I think confidence is one of those things where you just have to believe in yourself. It's quite hard to build, but when you have it, there's a massive shift of perspective. It's like a muscle that you have to constantly exercise before it becomes second nature to you.

Confidence is accepting what you deem as flaws and appreciating your talents, beauty, intelligence etc. This doesn't mean you should become complacent or arrogant. We can always improve, do better and be better. We're not the best we could ever be, but we do need to be softer on ourselves.

I've had times when I've doubted the most obvious things. Like I once asked my friend if he thought I was smart. Keeping in mind this was after getting a degree in law and a masters in law. Yet, I still didn't think I was intelligent or smart. I'd know the answer to a question, but I'd doubt myself and wait for someone else to answer it. If I did decide to answer, I'd start the sentence with "I could be wrong..." then end the sentence with the same phrase.

The day I asked my friend if he thought I was smart, he reminded me of all the things I'd achieved (by God's grace obviously). That's when I realised how illogical insecurities can be sometimes. Facts would tell and show you something, but you'd believe otherwise because of insecurities.

And even realising how illogical some insecurities can be, I still have to work continuously to combat the insecurities with facts.

Two of my biggest insecurities have to do with my look and my voice. I don't think I used to have these insecurities before, but while growing up, some insecurities crept up on me. I used to think I was "ALL THAT" growing up lool. My favourite colour was pink, so I used to wear pink dresses with little heels and pretty earrings and I never used to question my beauty. It was a given, there were no insecurities on that front. But then I grew up and started noticing the beauty standards of the world. People said things and then I started to think those things.

Guys, it's been a hard journey just trying to get back to the mindset of little me. The girl who never questioned her beauty. Yeah I deffo gained weight and oohhh my last year of uni I started getting spots, but I've gotten to a place now where I can say regardless of everything, I'm beautiful.

My mum has this saying; "you're beautiful for your situation"; and although I find it doesn't cover the insecurities, it actually makes sense. I am perfectly me. I have a beautiful smile, an obvious nose, cute little eyes and cheeks for days loool. Regardless of society's beauty standards, which is very fleeting by the way, I am beautiful and so are you.

The same can be said for my voice. If you know me, I love singing, it's just so soothing and music is just so beautiful. However, I've had so many moments where I wanted to give up on singing. I'd hear someone else sing and I'd tell myself that I obviously wasn't good. Someone once said my voice sounded like annoying orange and every single confidence I had in my ability to sing flew away like a leaf in a storm. My confidence was so deflated.

It's so funny, cause when people say things that deflate your confidence, most times you smile through the encounter, you may even laugh with them, but it hurts guys. It really does. I eventually learned that not everybody is going to think I'm beautiful and not everybody is going to think I have a lovely voice or that I'm intelligent. So it doesn't matter what they say, because there will be people who find my brand beautiful, people who think I'm beautiful and people who think I have a lovely voice.

It's up to me to pick my narrative. it's up to me to tell myself that I'm beautiful and that I have a great voice. It's not up to anyone else. That's why even when the compliment I wish for doesn't come, or when a negative word is said, I will still tell myself the truth. "Damn girl, you're fine o", "eeeyyyyyy see beauty". Loool I think sometimes my parents wonder if everything is well with me, cause I fully stand in front of them and tell them that they should thank God they gave birth to such a beautiful specimen.

This doesn't mean that I don't have the same insecurities, cause I do. It just means that I combat them with kind words to myself. (I also throw in a little sass and attitude so I believe it). Cause you know what yeah? I'm really beautiful and if anyone can't see it, that's their loss. That should also be your mindset. If anyone can't see how beautiful you are, or how amazing you are, that's their loss. They weren't meant to be in your life anyways. Because the truth is, we're all beautifully and wonderfully made by God.

Just know that I love you, God loves you and I hope you love yourself.

Esther xoxo